Olsen twins arrested for "horrendous" acting

by Horace von Schmidt
Conundrum Entertainment Writer

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, who starred in the famed ABC television sitcom Full House, were arrested late Monday evening by the Los Angeles Police Department, according to L.A. County Sherriff Glenn Thomas.

L.A. County District Attorney Gil Garcetti issued a warrant for the arrest of the twins Monday morning after seeing the duo appear on the Fox Family television series Two of a Kind.

The warrant cited "willful disobedience in the constant production of the worst shows on television."

"I was enjoying my Monday morning off from work, and as I flipped through the channels, I saw (the Olsen twins) on T.V. again," Garcetti said. "I'm not one to complain, but their acting is horrendous. With all of the crap they've acted in over the past few years, I'm amazed they've still found work. Frankly, I thought it was time somebody got them off the air."

The Olsen twins got their start on Full House in 1987 where they starred as the adorable baby Michelle until the series was cancelled in 1995.

The show was an instant hit as Michelle stole the spotlight with such words and phrases as "Ouce Cream," and "You got it, dude." Michelle also became famous for mispronouncing the alphabet by saying, ". . . h, i, j, k, n-ne-ne-no, p."

"(Full House) was supposed to be my show," said Bob Saget, who played the single father Danny Tanner in the series. "Those damn girls couldn't even say their lines, and bam, they're an instant hit. 'N-ne-ne-no p?' What the hell is that!? I hope those bitches go to hell."

After the success of Full House, the Olsen twins went on to star in a series of utterly terrifying and worthless made-for-television movies.

"I can't believe I acted with those untalented pieces of crap," said John Stamos, who played Uncle Jesse on Full House. "When I saw them on one of those television movies, I burned my T.V. and got a new one. That shouldn't even be shown in Canada."

Stamos, however, is not the only one who has reacted adversely to the Olsen twins' post-Full House career.

Video store owner Bob Kensington of Memphis, Tennessee, was forced to shut down his store after receiving complaints about carrying the Olsen twins' movies.

"People were calling us and threatening to burn down the store if we didn't close," he said. "We probably had 40 Olsen movies in that place, and everyone hated us.

"I'm glad they're going to jail," he continued. "Burn in hell girls! Burn!!!!!"

Candace Cameron, who played D.J. on Full House, said she believes the twins' demise is a result of staying together for so many years.

"It's like they're Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, except worse," Cameron said. "They cling to each other for support, and that's why they suck so bad."

The Olsen twins' will be assigned an attorney by the court. Their regular attorney switched to the prosecution after the twins were arrested.

An arraignment is scheduled for Tuesday morning with the trial set to begin Thursday.